1} The Christmas Bagel: this is an old tradition but already there’s a problem. There are no bagels here. So, we’re going to make them. You’ve already made the dough, cut off a piece, roll it out to make a rope then join the ends to make a circle and smooth it out as best you can. If this doesn’t look anything like a bagel, start over. Place gently in gently boiling water. If it doesn’t fall apart, you’re going to have a great Christmas, if it does see item 2. After it boils for a bit (don’t press your luck), gently remove from the water, sprinkle some chopped onion or poppy seeds and maybe a bit of coarse salt and bake it for a while at a really high temperature because Celsius is not as hot as Fahrenheit. When it browns, take it out and let it rest for a bit (I don’t know why, but they tell you that with everything). Slice, shmear with that stuff that looked like cream cheese on the package but turned out to be something else, top with smoked salmon (it’s not lox, it’s nothing like lox, but it’s as close as we can get and that wasn’t real cream cheese anyway). If all this actually worked, enjoy, if not, spend the rest of the day studying French.
2} Bake Bread (if the bagels didn’t work out)
3} Play recordings by Jewish artists: Jewish Buddhists are acceptable.
Note: This may involve listening to old comedy records.
Note 2: Bing Crosby was not Jewish
4} Refill prescription for anti-depressants: Canadian pharmacies are always online.
Note: The need for the meds may have nothing to do with listening to Jewish Buddhists.
5} Watch the entire Godfather saga: I suggest starting the download on Christmas Eve and it’s OK if you don’t get through Part 3.
Note: It doesn’t have to be The Godfather but you want to avoid Bing Crosby and movies about the holocaust.
6} Eat Chinese or Italian Food: It is Sunday, but if you’re in Maury where there is no takeout, you need to make a pizza. Take the rest of that dough, roll it out nice and thin, tomato sauce, mozzarella, pork. Bake it on the bottom of the oven as hot as it will go unless you have one of those fancy stones which you don’t.
Or…
7} Make Latkes (it’s Hanukkah after all)
2 potatoes,1/2 onion,1egg,1/4 c. Flour, Very hot oil (Wonder if duck fat would work?)
Squeeze the water out of the shredded potatoes a few times before adding other ingredients. This is important and don’t worry about it turning brown, you’re going to fry them. Mix it all together, form latkes in a large spoon. Fry hot, salt, serve with apple sauce. (I don’t like sour cream)
8} Clean out the drawer where you’ve been putting everything that had nowhere else to live.
Note: This may take a while and with all the cooking you have to do, there may not be enough time.
Note 2: When you’ve finished removing everything from the drawer, put it all back. There’s still nowhere else for it to go.
That should get you through the day and then it’s just a week until New Year’s, after which life becomes somewhat normal again and it’s only six weeks until pitchers and catchers report.