It’s been a month without medication. I’ve been keeping a journal, a daily emotional temperature chart, and a few trends have emerged.
One: I’ve been able to stabilize sleep patterns and that’s a big relief. I sleep through the night now and wake feeling rested, most of the time. Occasional glitches, but that’s always been true.
Two: the Hallmark emotional moments continue, but there was also genuine bad news this week and my response was real, nakedly emotional, and appropriate. My emotional range has expanded and I’m grateful for that. The medication was designed to flatten the roller coaster, but I don’t think I need that anymore. I need to feel it all.
Three: My internal censors are breaking down. I’m much more inclined to say what I’m feeling and I tend to think that for the most part, this is a positive thing, as long as it doesn’t become a burden to others, and as long as I don’t use it in a constant search for positive reinforcement.
It is definitely a good thing for the development of Angle of Reflection, allowing the exploration of Ben’s character to deepen and to provide the opportunity for change and growth. In early chapters, while searching for intimacy, Ben tends to deflect challenges to his defenses with humor.
“So making the photo becomes a way of making the connection?” Emma asked.
“It does, usually the object is nothing more than a good portrait, one that reveals some truth about the subject. By the way, I’ve always wondered about the method, I mean seeking to make a connection with a camera hiding your face? Anyway, it worked for us and the connection was profound, and I have the photo too. Someday that might be all I have.”
“Do you worry about that?”
“I think about it. I try not to. I try to just enjoy what is happening now, but sometimes I can’t help it.”
“You need a bit of the yogi in you. Live in the moment.”
“The only Yogi I know used to be a catcher for the Yankees.”
This will change.
©2015 Ron Scherl